I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.