I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.