The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:
Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue