I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
wait.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house