I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Every time.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.