I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
You Might Also Like
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Meanwhile in Canada…
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Not today, today.
Not today.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Phonetics
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.