I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Had to try this trend 😊