I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
You Might Also Like
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
What about a To-Don’t List?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening