[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
two people or more is called a problem
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET