I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m not wrong
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”