“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.