@hammyinmiami

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

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@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@AshenMistHeart

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@adrianmyreality

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

@RunOldMan

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.