I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.