I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
the composer
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you