I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
the clam before the storm