“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
You Might Also Like
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
OMG 🤣🤣
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.