I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”