I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”