I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.