I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Holy crap this is wonderful
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..