@clichedout

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

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@NeilHamburger

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

@6SenseIsCommon

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@funnyhumour

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

@StrangerTings5

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@ItsDanSheehan

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool