I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.