I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Something Saturday.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir