@CandaceAmos Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
@HMittelmark I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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@CandaceAmos 
@relatabledad [two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
@bdjansenphd oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
@TheTweetOfGod Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
@slimmy_shady “OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
@slimmy_shady This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
@noog I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
@XplodingUnicorn How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
@ilovepie84 I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
@Triballistix If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.