@JohnFugelsang I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
@HMittelmark I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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@JohnFugelsang 
@mjkspeaks How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
@starsnbars7 I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
@Darlainky Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
@ColorMeScradd MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
@bonehugsnirony If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
@heathesauruss Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
@_elvishpresley_ [restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
@awkwardlyours There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”