I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin