I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
#NoRestForTheWicked
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way