@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

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@TaylorVirtue

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

@megan_thescript

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

@DamienFahey

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

@mazizkhalifa

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@xoMISSYox

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

@Bunnydurden

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

@MarieLoerzel

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

@mraggab_

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@TheLemon_

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber