I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.


If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.


My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.


People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like


My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.


Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.


You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.


I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber