I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
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Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?