I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Clients after you give them your rates
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up