I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
WTF
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas