I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.