i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother