I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger