I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Stick it to the man
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Haha good job!!
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
subtitles are so good nowadays
very niche meme I made
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg