HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: *waves back*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.