I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

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HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok


Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.


Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.


Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]


4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-



Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.