@Heatinblack

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

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@ArfMeasures

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

@ddsmidt

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@sixfootcandy

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

@Crunch11b

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.