i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.