“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Breaking news:
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.