I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I beg your pardon?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
my sentiments exactly
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*