I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Bro what is this
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.