I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
cause of death:
autopsy.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
me when the borders lift
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though