I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot