Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

definitely did not do anything wrong

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.