I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down