I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh