I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You Might Also Like
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*