i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
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A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
tis the season
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Breaking news:
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.