I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me trying to reach for my goals
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice