I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
🏙👨🏼
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
i hate you platonically
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
the answer was staring at me all along
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.