I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Ken is short for chicken
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Yep.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.