I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable