I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
You Might Also Like
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.