I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
i think we should see other cousins
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you