I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …