I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid