I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit


I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.


My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?




“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”


HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?


Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation


Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet