@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

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@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@Cheeseboy22

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

@LizerReal

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@rockymomax

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

@JasonLastname

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet