I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
accurate
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
can you read it!!??
maan!
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!