@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

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@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@praisecheese

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

@corysnearowski

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@LostFelicia

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

@JermHimselfish

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.