I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
How funny!
#Caturday
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses