I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
the three branches of government
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.